The Sacred Scrolls of Pieist Wisdom

History of the Scrolls

The Sacred Scrolls of Pieist Wisdom are the oldest and newest holy books of Pieism. When Pieism was first founded, the Sacred Scrolls were the only holy book, however they were just sayings on pieces of paper. The Book of Pie, nowadays the most important holy book, was first just a collection of these scrolls. It slowly became more independent until today's form, the Sacred Scrolls were forgotten. Therefore back in 2008 our JoJo announced that an online version of the scrolls would be launched, for the whole world to enjoy.

The Purpose of the Scrolls

The Sacred Scrolls are a collection of minor holy tracts, each with it's own meaning and teaching. Most were written directly by the JoJo himself. This is so the more obscure beliefs of Pieism can be taught without cluttering up the main Pieism website and holy text. Knowledge of basic Pieism lore is recommended for full understanding of these scrolls.

Friday, 8 January 2010

Book of the Bodyguard

Foreword - This is a special edition Sacred Scroll written by the Bodyguard, second in command of our Pieism. Please take any written in the following tract with a pinch of salt, since much of it is intended to be tongue-in-cheek. Enjoy!  


The Eternal Book of the Bodyguard

so you want to know more about Pieism, the newest religion that has almost no downsides. This web page will tell you all about Me, the JoJo, the Pie and all other minion-like references.

The Book of the Bodyguard is a user friendly but informal sight to all the stuff about  Pieism that is featured in the blog version of Pieism and all the stuff you didn't know. The first thing to know is that I am second in command to the almighty (yet manly) JoJo (happens to be called...-that is according to the JoJo). I for one don't make many of the decisions in this religion because that happens to be the role of the JoJo, this can be incredibly infuriating but I have managed to put up with it-for now muah ha ha ha ha, this religion belongs to the JoJo but I will resieze it as my own again one day. Speaking of that subject, I present to you....

The transfer of pieily power

Before the enlightenment of the JoJo, I had to fight of unknown creatures of the mysterious Anti-Pie, the evil and uncontrollably dumb Pie in space. but the most powerful beast was not of this anti pie but was a human named Jojo Misawoki of Japan, he wanted the religion for himself because his name was JoJo but he is easily beaten by showing him the cover of a Japanese (bad) Nintendo game, mainly animal crossing but there are many other bad games. Once that is complete the spirit of Jojo Misawoki will expand to the winds, but they have to be strong winds-the best scattering winds are hurricanes. But at the time I had to fight him with the samurai sword of swordliness, the bodyguards sword that can cut through gold plated diamond with enough focus.This guy will return however every three years to claim the title of the JoJo.

The spiritual spirits of Pie

Please note-these so called spirits have absolutely nowt to do with me so I am not held responsible for any madness caused in people who read this article. The first spirit is the Pie in the sky-the great one of infinite fillings and of a salmonella and totally disgusting nature-this means it is inedible. As the Pie just floats there in space it only has the easy job of just being there and sitting on it's derriere all day. But when the evil anti pie and his evil minion attacks then the Pie gets violent and abusive. Tabby fat is an infinitely fat cat, to find out more click here

Now wasn't that good huh-there is a lot more where that came from later in this website.

Next up in the holy spirits is Genghis Khan the war hero, he may have raped many women but among us he is a hero like Ronald McDonald is the hero to America. An even lesser spirit is the mysterious Sally Squid who I hadn't heard of until recently when JoJo bought it up in a conversation, this unknown spirit has now doomsday like power or anything threatening so this feeble spirit is useless, thrashable and totally floppy. The next up in the holy spirits is-drum roll please...
Yes I am a holy spirit too but one can't help but think that i am more powerful than the JoJo in physical and sword wielding strength, I of course should be prayed before all other spirits and should be held as the ultimate of all (except the Pie himself) even the JoJo Mwah ha ha ha ha.
More on the Tabby fat-the flabby cat. Of course you don't know about Tabby Fat's real size yar, you want to know, well it is bigger than you can imagine him to be, he is infinitely fat and is a genuine genius in his own minion like way.
How the spirits came into being-Master spirits. With loads of spirits in this religion one can only wonder how any spirit can keep anysanity by joining this religion. The point is that somethings can be funny. Tabby fat was one of the Pie's children in a way and has proved his wisdom over the universe-he also beat Steven Hawkings in a physics exam by one mark, the same mark difference when I beat the JoJo in the maths challenge.

The lobster was accepted in this religion because he has shown courage and honour throughout his lifetime, being able to transfer fire to his claws via his blood stream he can avoid being cooked, fried, baked, roasted or even furnaced to oblivion. The lobster can withstand temperatures of up to 1,000,000 degrees centigrade; that's hotter than a blast furnace, thermite and the heat of Earth's re-entry combined! 
He also accidentally set the whole of London on fire in 1666.

Genghis Khan was not only a war hero but he also liked his women, he carrys an old war sword and is the youngest of the JoJo's sons. He also won a bar bet with me to see who was the fastest racer on a set track, unfortunately he crashed the car and had to pay the owner more money than he won.

The cheese is one of the other major spirits in this religion, it's cheesy attitude has filled the nations mouths with a sandwich filler from heaven. The shark is a menacing creature of the sea that doesn't play a big part in the religion. The sumo can crush it's opponents under it's superior weight and can be mistaken for some Americans, But the final major spirit is the best of the whole lot, you know who he is, it's me the Bodyguard, he has an unbreakable and powerful sword and can rack up the more kills in a minute than al of the other major spirits put together-and doubled!
What should all followers follow?