The Sacred Scrolls of Pieist Wisdom

History of the Scrolls

The Sacred Scrolls of Pieist Wisdom are the oldest and newest holy books of Pieism. When Pieism was first founded, the Sacred Scrolls were the only holy book, however they were just sayings on pieces of paper. The Book of Pie, nowadays the most important holy book, was first just a collection of these scrolls. It slowly became more independent until today's form, the Sacred Scrolls were forgotten. Therefore back in 2008 our JoJo announced that an online version of the scrolls would be launched, for the whole world to enjoy.

The Purpose of the Scrolls

The Sacred Scrolls are a collection of minor holy tracts, each with it's own meaning and teaching. Most were written directly by the JoJo himself. This is so the more obscure beliefs of Pieism can be taught without cluttering up the main Pieism website and holy text. Knowledge of basic Pieism lore is recommended for full understanding of these scrolls.

Friday, 13 September 2013

The Kingdom of Mars

The Kingdom of Mars is a sovereign state that occupies the entire surface of Mars and it's two moons, as well as a number of small colonies scattered across the Solar system. It is populated primarily by the lobsters, the 'angels' of the Pie, along with significant fat, pug and droid minorities. The capital of Mars is Olympus Mons, a giant hollowed out volcano which contains a city almost as large as France inside.

The Flag of Mars

The central government is elected is a system not dissimilar to the Westminster system, where a House of Representatives is elected by first-past-the-post for shorter terms while a House of Lords is elected by a more proportional system for longer terms of office. The majority of the power lies with the Representatives, which is where the Chancellor (head of the largest party and government) is usually elected from.

Mars is also divided into thirteen states which are as follows:

Click map to enlarge

Each state has a democratically elected government who hold the majority of political power, along with a ceremonial Prince or Princess. The current heads of states are:

Bakerland = Prince Steel III
Clawshire = Princess Silk
Crustshire = Prince Charcoal II
Fat Crater = Princess Toffee
Khan Valley = Prince Blade IV
North Pole = Prince Snowball
Olympus Mons = Prince Maximum III
Phobos and Deimos = Prince Jimothy VII
Pugland = Princess Puggles Pugster
Squidshire = Princess Aroma II
Three Cities = Prince Lard
Western Plains = Prince Berry

Prince Lard is a fatling, Princess Puggles Pugster is a pug and Prince Jimothy VI is a droid. The remaining ten Princes and Princesses are all lobsters. The thirteen monarchs together form the Royal Council, who vote on each pieces of legislation that is passed by the two elected houses. Realistically it is very rare for the Council to actually block laws passed by the elected houses as their powers are generally understood to be held in reserve.

Friday, 8 January 2010

Book of the Bodyguard

Foreword - This is a special edition Sacred Scroll written by the Bodyguard, second in command of our Pieism. Please take any written in the following tract with a pinch of salt, since much of it is intended to be tongue-in-cheek. Enjoy!  


The Eternal Book of the Bodyguard

so you want to know more about Pieism, the newest religion that has almost no downsides. This web page will tell you all about Me, the JoJo, the Pie and all other minion-like references.

The Book of the Bodyguard is a user friendly but informal sight to all the stuff about  Pieism that is featured in the blog version of Pieism and all the stuff you didn't know. The first thing to know is that I am second in command to the almighty (yet manly) JoJo (happens to be called...-that is according to the JoJo). I for one don't make many of the decisions in this religion because that happens to be the role of the JoJo, this can be incredibly infuriating but I have managed to put up with it-for now muah ha ha ha ha, this religion belongs to the JoJo but I will resieze it as my own again one day. Speaking of that subject, I present to you....

The transfer of pieily power

Before the enlightenment of the JoJo, I had to fight of unknown creatures of the mysterious Anti-Pie, the evil and uncontrollably dumb Pie in space. but the most powerful beast was not of this anti pie but was a human named Jojo Misawoki of Japan, he wanted the religion for himself because his name was JoJo but he is easily beaten by showing him the cover of a Japanese (bad) Nintendo game, mainly animal crossing but there are many other bad games. Once that is complete the spirit of Jojo Misawoki will expand to the winds, but they have to be strong winds-the best scattering winds are hurricanes. But at the time I had to fight him with the samurai sword of swordliness, the bodyguards sword that can cut through gold plated diamond with enough focus.This guy will return however every three years to claim the title of the JoJo.

The spiritual spirits of Pie

Please note-these so called spirits have absolutely nowt to do with me so I am not held responsible for any madness caused in people who read this article. The first spirit is the Pie in the sky-the great one of infinite fillings and of a salmonella and totally disgusting nature-this means it is inedible. As the Pie just floats there in space it only has the easy job of just being there and sitting on it's derriere all day. But when the evil anti pie and his evil minion attacks then the Pie gets violent and abusive. Tabby fat is an infinitely fat cat, to find out more click here

Now wasn't that good huh-there is a lot more where that came from later in this website.

Next up in the holy spirits is Genghis Khan the war hero, he may have raped many women but among us he is a hero like Ronald McDonald is the hero to America. An even lesser spirit is the mysterious Sally Squid who I hadn't heard of until recently when JoJo bought it up in a conversation, this unknown spirit has now doomsday like power or anything threatening so this feeble spirit is useless, thrashable and totally floppy. The next up in the holy spirits is-drum roll please...
Yes I am a holy spirit too but one can't help but think that i am more powerful than the JoJo in physical and sword wielding strength, I of course should be prayed before all other spirits and should be held as the ultimate of all (except the Pie himself) even the JoJo Mwah ha ha ha ha.
More on the Tabby fat-the flabby cat. Of course you don't know about Tabby Fat's real size yar, you want to know, well it is bigger than you can imagine him to be, he is infinitely fat and is a genuine genius in his own minion like way.
How the spirits came into being-Master spirits. With loads of spirits in this religion one can only wonder how any spirit can keep anysanity by joining this religion. The point is that somethings can be funny. Tabby fat was one of the Pie's children in a way and has proved his wisdom over the universe-he also beat Steven Hawkings in a physics exam by one mark, the same mark difference when I beat the JoJo in the maths challenge.

The lobster was accepted in this religion because he has shown courage and honour throughout his lifetime, being able to transfer fire to his claws via his blood stream he can avoid being cooked, fried, baked, roasted or even furnaced to oblivion. The lobster can withstand temperatures of up to 1,000,000 degrees centigrade; that's hotter than a blast furnace, thermite and the heat of Earth's re-entry combined! 
He also accidentally set the whole of London on fire in 1666.

Genghis Khan was not only a war hero but he also liked his women, he carrys an old war sword and is the youngest of the JoJo's sons. He also won a bar bet with me to see who was the fastest racer on a set track, unfortunately he crashed the car and had to pay the owner more money than he won.

The cheese is one of the other major spirits in this religion, it's cheesy attitude has filled the nations mouths with a sandwich filler from heaven. The shark is a menacing creature of the sea that doesn't play a big part in the religion. The sumo can crush it's opponents under it's superior weight and can be mistaken for some Americans, But the final major spirit is the best of the whole lot, you know who he is, it's me the Bodyguard, he has an unbreakable and powerful sword and can rack up the more kills in a minute than al of the other major spirits put together-and doubled!
What should all followers follow?

Thursday, 6 March 2008

The Place of the JoJo

So you know I’m Pie Incarnate. I am part of all three great Dominions of Pie. What does that actually mean? Does it make me just an important prophet, a super human warrior or a mega powerful god? The truth is that I, the JoJo, is or will be all of these things.

The confusion comes from the fact that I move through different stages throughout my existence, starting small and slowly growing bigger. Until I, the JoJo, was enlightened and founded Pieism I was just a normal human, until I founded Pieism and unlocked my inner Genghis Khan, becoming the JoJo. At the time of writing I am in my second form, the prophet form. At the moment I spread the holy Pie’s religion and teach people about Pie. However when I lose my current physical form I will become a very different thing. I will become a shared conscience between all Pieists and will simultaneously present on both Earth and Mars. I may even return to England at some time! At the end of the universe, at the time of the great battle between the Pie and the collective we call the Anti-Pie, all the power of humanity and the Pieists will combine to make a mega powerful God, controlled by the JoJo. In this fourth form I will destroy the Anti-Pie forever and then use the last of the power to go back to the beginning of time and create the Pie itself. I then return to the end of the Universe to lead all of worthy humanity into paradise forever.

So if you have listened or read carefully, you will have realised that I, the JoJo, am not really a god, when I am called Pie Incarnate people mean that I’m the symbol of the sacred bond between the Pie and humanity. For however powerful the mighty Gods of the Pie are, they alone are not enough to beat the Anti-Pie. The Pie needs us just as much as we need it; that is among the reasons the Pie decided to spread it's tasty word to our planet.

Thursday, 21 February 2008

The Holy Gods of the Pie

As you should know, the Pie is everything apart from the Anti-Pie. So how do the other Gods of Pieism fit into this? I’ll tell you…

The three Gods that serve directly under the Pie are the Dominion Gods: the Tabby Fat, the Lobster and the Genghis Khan. All of the Pie is split between them. All inanimate objects like rocks or trees are just made of one dominion, all animate objects like humans, lobsters and cheese are made of two. Only I, the JoJo, am made of all three dominions, that’s what gives me my power. The Pie was forced to split due to lack of strength after the battle at the beginning of time with the Anti-Pie; its aim is to reunite. When your good deeds create Pie, some of that Pie goes to strengthening me, eventually this power will help destroy the Anti-Pie and forge this universe.

The other five Gods of the Pie are combinations are the three Dominion Gods, mostly one but with a little of another:

Sally Squid = Tabby Fat + Lobster
The Cheese = Tabby Fat + Genghis Khan
The Shark = Lobster + Genghis Khan
The Sumo = Genghis Khan + Tabby Fat
The Bodyguard = Genghis Khan + Lobster

These make sense as the more warrior like Minor Gods (Sumo and Bodyguard) are have parts of the more warrior like Dominion Gods (Genghis Khan and Lobster), the more aquatic like Minor Gods (Sally Squid and Shark) are part of the Lobster, the more human like of the Minor Gods (Sumo and Bodyguard) are part of the Genghis Khan ( a human shaped God) and the fatter Minor Gods (Sumo, Sally Squid and Cheese) are part of the Tabby Fat. All these Gods are part of the Pie, just like everything else (excluding the Anti Pie).

The JoJo himself is not a God of the Pie, he is something different. The JoJo is the representative of the Pie and the main prophet for Pieism, the fact he is all part of three Dominion Gods and so therefore the only being of pure Pie is only a side point, not greatly important.

The Pie is Everything and Everything is the Pie

The Pie is Everything and Everything is the Pie! If you wonder what the Pie looks like, look at anything. Every person, creature or object is Pie. For there is just two substances in every universe, Pie (which is Matter) and Anti Pie (which is Anti Matter). The two annihilate each other to make nothing. The spiritual universe is purely Pie, which is why the Pie has control over it. The material universe is mostly Pie but is sprinkled with impurities of Anti-Pie. This is why the Pie doesn't have full control over our universe.

At the beginning of time the Pie destroyed most of the Anti-Pie. However, in the Pie’s infinite wisdom, it knew that if it completely extinguished the Anti-Pie, there wouldn't be enough Pie to run a material universe and make souls to inhabit it. So the Pie is running the material universe and has a job for all beings to do. Good actions make Pie, while bad actions make Anti-Pie. So doing the right thing helps expand the Pie, ready for the final battle, in which the Anti-Pie and its minions will be destroyed forever.

Loyal Pieists, you must to do good deeds to help the Pie. This is more important than praying to the Pie. Give your neighbour your Pie, for it shall get you more Pie in the long run.